He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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