A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
