The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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