i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
