I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My vagina is officially offended.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
