I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
