my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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