You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
