My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
