Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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