Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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