I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
