So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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