I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
