Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
