I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
