Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
