you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
