I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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