no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
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maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
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So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.