My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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