My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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