So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
