Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
