dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
