I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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