I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
