my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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