I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
