Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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