Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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