I swear she didn't look like that last week.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
