I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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