Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
