I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
