I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
