I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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