Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dear god my vagina.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
