I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
