My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
