Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
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He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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