i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
