i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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