The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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