Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
