I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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