i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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