Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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