I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The beer is more important than you right now.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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