Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
