five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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