do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize