you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
