Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
