accomplished twins. life is a go
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
