I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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