Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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