ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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